1 00:00:03,712 --> 00:00:05,702 There she is! Whore of whores! 2 00:00:05,736 --> 00:00:07,536 My Frankie could have any woman on earth, 3 00:00:07,555 --> 00:00:09,339 - and he chose you? - Ma! 4 00:00:09,373 --> 00:00:11,057 What are you doing here? 5 00:00:11,091 --> 00:00:13,209 Why can't you just be happy that I'm happy... 6 00:00:13,227 --> 00:00:14,978 - With Liz? - Can I just say one sentence? 7 00:00:15,012 --> 00:00:17,546 Dio mio,i'm an old fool. What is wrong with me? 8 00:00:17,565 --> 00:00:19,015 My boy's in love! 9 00:00:20,884 --> 00:00:22,602 Come over for dinner. Tonight. 10 00:00:22,653 --> 00:00:26,105 Do you like ox, Liz? I'll defrost an ox for you. 11 00:00:30,995 --> 00:00:33,896 Look, if the situation was reversed, 12 00:00:33,914 --> 00:00:35,782 you know I'd pretend to be your boyfriend. 13 00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:38,234 I have a boyfriend. In Canada. 14 00:00:38,269 --> 00:00:40,870 Seriously. Chris is in Canada for the week. 15 00:00:40,904 --> 00:00:42,255 And I can't be your girlfriend, 16 00:00:42,289 --> 00:00:44,207 'cause I'm not an old pedophile. 17 00:00:44,241 --> 00:00:46,092 We prefer the term adultophobe. 18 00:00:46,126 --> 00:00:48,294 Lynn, what is going on here? 19 00:00:48,345 --> 00:00:50,713 Well, I'm hiding from Sylvia. 20 00:00:50,747 --> 00:00:52,715 I got really good at hiding in prison 21 00:00:52,749 --> 00:00:54,300 and making wine in my toilet. 22 00:00:54,351 --> 00:00:56,920 Does your mom not know you guys are together? 23 00:00:56,954 --> 00:00:59,355 It's been a year. Sylvia doesn't approve of me. 24 00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:01,257 No one can remember why anymore. 25 00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:03,309 You were his teacher, and you seduced him. 26 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,778 Look, here's what happened. My mom was snooping in my room, 27 00:01:05,813 --> 00:01:09,399 'cause she loves me, and she found a letter. 28 00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:12,485 Look what I found in your pornography collection... 29 00:01:12,536 --> 00:01:13,903 A love letter. Who sent this to you? 30 00:01:13,938 --> 00:01:15,121 Who is "L"? 31 00:01:15,155 --> 00:01:17,106 So you told her "L" was me? 32 00:01:17,141 --> 00:01:19,108 Liz, we just need you to go along with this 33 00:01:19,126 --> 00:01:20,977 until... I don't know, my mom dies. 34 00:01:21,011 --> 00:01:22,128 Or I die. 35 00:01:22,162 --> 00:01:24,747 No. I'm not helping to protect this. 36 00:01:24,781 --> 00:01:27,083 - It's creepy. - This is creepy? 37 00:01:27,117 --> 00:01:29,252 In prison, I was part of a fake family with a bald woman, 38 00:01:29,286 --> 00:01:32,422 and our son was a basketball with a wig on it, 39 00:01:32,456 --> 00:01:34,424 but... okay. This is creepy. 40 00:01:34,458 --> 00:01:36,025 Frank, tell your mother the truth, 41 00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:38,144 'cause living a lie will eat you up inside. 42 00:01:38,178 --> 00:01:41,964 Like that parasite I got from eating Sushi on AmTrak. 43 00:01:55,543 --> 00:01:58,043 30 ROCK S01 Ep. 10 Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky 44 00:01:58,112 --> 00:02:01,612 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 45 00:02:01,919 --> 00:02:03,619 - That's quite a suit, Kenneth. - Thank you, sir. 46 00:02:03,654 --> 00:02:05,705 All my suits are my late father's... 47 00:02:05,756 --> 00:02:07,490 Mr... 48 00:02:07,508 --> 00:02:09,325 That's weird. 49 00:02:09,343 --> 00:02:11,461 Kenneth, since you've left the page program, 50 00:02:11,495 --> 00:02:14,297 finding you a new position here has been 51 00:02:14,331 --> 00:02:16,399 one of the most difficult challenges of my career. 52 00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,601 And I'm including making it through the '80s 53 00:02:18,635 --> 00:02:20,703 without having sex with Belinda Carlisle. 54 00:02:20,738 --> 00:02:22,205 I know, sir, 55 00:02:22,239 --> 00:02:23,940 but I just couldn't work in ad sales. 56 00:02:23,974 --> 00:02:25,608 We have far too many sponsors 57 00:02:25,642 --> 00:02:27,527 that make housework easier for women. 58 00:02:27,561 --> 00:02:30,313 That's why I'm putting you in the standards department. 59 00:02:30,347 --> 00:02:33,216 You'll be responsible for keeping the airwaves free 60 00:02:33,250 --> 00:02:34,901 of content that might offend any group. 61 00:02:34,952 --> 00:02:36,886 It's a good starting place, but Kenneth, 62 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,654 if you wanna make it in the business world, 63 00:02:38,688 --> 00:02:41,491 you can't be so... Morally stubborn. 64 00:02:41,525 --> 00:02:43,226 There are gray areas. 65 00:02:43,260 --> 00:02:44,544 No, sir. 66 00:02:44,578 --> 00:02:46,429 There's always a right and wrong. 67 00:02:46,463 --> 00:02:49,465 Before he died, my father gave me a piece of advice. 68 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:52,301 "Son, if you wanna get ahead in this world... 69 00:02:52,336 --> 00:02:54,904 Oh, God, this hurts... Tell your mother I'm gay." 70 00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:59,876 Nerf rifle. Mass Effect 3. 71 00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:01,944 What else do we need for, uh, research? 72 00:03:01,979 --> 00:03:03,746 Well, I need the deutsche grammophon box set 73 00:03:03,781 --> 00:03:05,398 - for my opera sketch. - An opera? 74 00:03:05,432 --> 00:03:06,733 Is there singing? Because I sing. 75 00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:08,217 Tracy doesn't sing, so I should do it. 76 00:03:08,252 --> 00:03:10,052 The audience expects it. I'll sleep with you. 77 00:03:10,070 --> 00:03:12,922 No, Jenna, none of this stuff is really for sketches. 78 00:03:12,956 --> 00:03:15,224 We're just saying that so we can charge it all to the show. 79 00:03:15,242 --> 00:03:18,361 It's the perfect crime... As long as Pete never finds out. 80 00:03:18,395 --> 00:03:19,779 Who drank this? 81 00:03:19,830 --> 00:03:22,248 This is the scotch I was saving for my birthday. 82 00:03:22,282 --> 00:03:23,566 Someone with a key to my office, 83 00:03:23,584 --> 00:03:27,203 a janitor or a security guard or some black... 84 00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:30,139 Hearted individual, probably white, 85 00:03:30,174 --> 00:03:33,075 has ruined the Hornberger hang 86 00:03:33,093 --> 00:03:36,312 for all of us! 87 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,214 Let's get forensics in here. 88 00:03:38,248 --> 00:03:39,615 Have the techs lift a latent print, 89 00:03:39,650 --> 00:03:41,467 and run it against AFIS. 90 00:03:41,518 --> 00:03:42,885 Maybe the perp's in the system. 91 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,604 J-Mo, you sound like a cop, 92 00:03:44,638 --> 00:03:45,788 and I should know. 93 00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:47,890 My Uncle was a cop... In a porno. 94 00:03:47,925 --> 00:03:50,193 Tracy, every blond actress in the business 95 00:03:50,227 --> 00:03:52,612 has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop 96 00:03:52,646 --> 00:03:53,963 with special abilities. 97 00:03:53,997 --> 00:03:55,648 Mine was called goodlooking. 98 00:03:55,699 --> 00:03:57,700 I played Alexis goodlooking 99 00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,101 who was also good-looking, 100 00:03:59,119 --> 00:04:04,791 and my special ability was being good at looking for clues. 101 00:04:04,825 --> 00:04:05,992 Let's get forensics in here. 102 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:07,210 Have the techs lift a latent print, 103 00:04:07,244 --> 00:04:08,311 and run it against AFIS. 104 00:04:08,345 --> 00:04:10,613 Maybe the perp's in the system. 105 00:04:10,631 --> 00:04:12,715 Unlike my husband's killer, who got away, 106 00:04:12,749 --> 00:04:14,116 and it haunts me. 107 00:04:14,134 --> 00:04:15,318 You know what? 108 00:04:15,352 --> 00:04:16,552 We should use your skills 109 00:04:16,587 --> 00:04:18,254 to solve the case of Pete's missing booze. 110 00:04:18,288 --> 00:04:19,788 That was a long time ago, Tracy. 111 00:04:19,807 --> 00:04:21,257 My detective days are over. 112 00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:22,391 You sure about that? 113 00:04:22,426 --> 00:04:24,827 Because like all black actors, 114 00:04:24,862 --> 00:04:27,513 I have a lot of experience with playing a wise black fellow 115 00:04:27,564 --> 00:04:30,633 who gets reluctant white people to do things. 116 00:04:30,667 --> 00:04:32,635 Well... 117 00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:35,037 I'm just an old fool, of course, 118 00:04:35,072 --> 00:04:37,607 and I don't know much about politics or the like. 119 00:04:37,641 --> 00:04:40,843 But I do know America's kinda like this here 120 00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:42,979 crab apple tree... 121 00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:44,664 John Fitzgerald Kennedy. 122 00:04:44,698 --> 00:04:46,782 All right, I'll do it. 123 00:04:46,817 --> 00:04:50,786 Let's ride, partner. 124 00:04:51,922 --> 00:04:53,756 I have some real problems 125 00:04:53,790 --> 00:04:55,324 with this Law and Order SVU script. 126 00:04:55,342 --> 00:04:58,327 We can't say "dick wolf" on TV. 127 00:04:58,345 --> 00:05:00,630 Listen up, standards and practices. 128 00:05:00,664 --> 00:05:02,598 I just had an emergency meeting with legal, 129 00:05:02,633 --> 00:05:04,167 and we can no longer use the words 130 00:05:04,201 --> 00:05:07,370 "hit, great show, fun," or "broadcast television." 131 00:05:07,404 --> 00:05:08,804 Now, Kenneth... 132 00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:12,058 Mr. Donaghy, Bradley Tarkin, junior compliance associate. 133 00:05:12,109 --> 00:05:14,644 We met last year at your completely silent presentation 134 00:05:14,678 --> 00:05:15,745 on the power of eye contact. 135 00:05:15,779 --> 00:05:20,183 Yes. I believe it was entitled... 136 00:05:20,217 --> 00:05:22,401 I was just an intern then, 137 00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:23,619 but afterwards, I got you to sign 138 00:05:23,654 --> 00:05:24,787 my first edition Jack attack. 139 00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:27,073 You know, the first edition has a typo. 140 00:05:27,124 --> 00:05:29,208 When I took over microwaves, I said to the team, 141 00:05:29,243 --> 00:05:30,543 "by the end of this quarter, 142 00:05:30,577 --> 00:05:32,528 "we're all gonna be in the black... comma... guys." 143 00:05:32,546 --> 00:05:34,730 Not, "we're all gonna be in the black guys." 144 00:05:34,765 --> 00:05:36,666 Anyway, nice to meet you again, Bradley. 145 00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:38,501 Kenneth, a word. 146 00:05:38,535 --> 00:05:41,537 Balloon! 147 00:05:45,342 --> 00:05:46,876 Kenneth, you are now officially 148 00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:48,477 in the business world. 149 00:05:48,512 --> 00:05:50,479 Bradley is trying to destroy you. 150 00:05:50,514 --> 00:05:52,114 Destroy me? 151 00:05:52,149 --> 00:05:54,483 He's the best friend I've ever had, 152 00:05:54,518 --> 00:05:56,185 tied with everyone I've ever met. 153 00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:58,955 Kenneth, if you learn one thing from me, it's this: 154 00:05:58,989 --> 00:06:00,590 In business, you have no friends. 155 00:06:00,624 --> 00:06:02,692 Let me tell you a little story. 156 00:06:02,726 --> 00:06:05,761 There was once a man named... Henry Warren. 157 00:06:05,796 --> 00:06:08,097 Henry pretended to be my friend, 158 00:06:08,131 --> 00:06:11,601 but he turned out to be my very first Nemesis. 159 00:06:11,635 --> 00:06:13,569 We got the contract! 160 00:06:13,587 --> 00:06:15,238 We're gonna make the bottles for new coke. 161 00:06:15,272 --> 00:06:17,039 And I'm gonna make sure you get all the credit. 162 00:06:17,073 --> 00:06:18,424 Aces! 163 00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,509 Let's do some cocaine. 164 00:06:20,544 --> 00:06:22,712 My friendship with Henry was a lie. 165 00:06:22,746 --> 00:06:25,514 We were just waiting for the chance to destroy the other one. 166 00:06:25,549 --> 00:06:27,516 But Bradley gave me my nickname. 167 00:06:27,551 --> 00:06:28,517 "Susan." 168 00:06:28,552 --> 00:06:30,019 Like "lazy Susan," 169 00:06:30,053 --> 00:06:32,138 'cause I'm lazy and effeminate. 170 00:06:32,189 --> 00:06:34,523 Bradley is dangerous. Last year he was an intern. 171 00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,292 Now he's a junior compliance associate. 172 00:06:36,326 --> 00:06:38,694 How did he get promoted so quickly? 173 00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:41,697 I signed his book. He had my signature. 174 00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:44,867 He probably put it on a forged letter of recommendation. 175 00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:47,203 Sir. That's awfully paranoid. 176 00:06:47,237 --> 00:06:48,771 Exactly. "Paranoid," 177 00:06:48,805 --> 00:06:50,706 from the Greek "para" meaning "beside," 178 00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:53,159 and "noid," which is some sort of a... 179 00:06:53,210 --> 00:06:55,278 Pizza demon! No, that can't be right. 180 00:06:55,312 --> 00:06:57,213 The point is, you've got to be paranoid, Kenneth. 181 00:06:57,247 --> 00:06:58,881 You've gotta go in there and crush Bradley 182 00:06:58,915 --> 00:07:00,466 like I crushed Henry Warren. 183 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,952 But I've never crushed anyone 184 00:07:02,986 --> 00:07:04,587 except accused witches. 185 00:07:04,621 --> 00:07:07,456 Get in there! 186 00:07:11,845 --> 00:07:14,597 - Be cool, be cool, be cool. - How did you get in here? 187 00:07:14,631 --> 00:07:16,599 Frank said you couldn't come to dinner 188 00:07:16,633 --> 00:07:18,067 because you weren't feeling well. 189 00:07:18,101 --> 00:07:19,635 But I know the best thing for a fever 190 00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:22,605 is food, wine, and cheek pinching! 191 00:07:22,639 --> 00:07:24,156 So I packed everything up, 192 00:07:24,191 --> 00:07:26,075 prayed to the patron Saint of locked apartments, 193 00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:28,611 - and here we are. - No. Absolutely n... 194 00:07:28,645 --> 00:07:30,830 You don't have a say in this! Now, lie down. 195 00:07:30,864 --> 00:07:32,682 While I'm here, you do nothing. 196 00:07:32,716 --> 00:07:34,150 As we say in Italy... 197 00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:41,791 Eat an arancine. 198 00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,893 I love our little family. 199 00:07:52,748 --> 00:07:53,868 Pete? 200 00:07:54,234 --> 00:07:55,902 Yeah, I saw him earlier today. 201 00:07:55,936 --> 00:07:57,203 Why? Something wrong? 202 00:07:57,237 --> 00:07:58,571 Someone drank his scotch. 203 00:07:58,605 --> 00:08:00,006 You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 204 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,174 Why would I? 205 00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:03,643 I was gonna drink it with him on his birthday. 206 00:08:03,677 --> 00:08:05,578 Okay, but if you think of anything, 207 00:08:05,612 --> 00:08:07,847 use this phone as a reminder to call us. 208 00:08:07,881 --> 00:08:09,415 I may not pick up, 209 00:08:09,449 --> 00:08:11,217 'cause I lost my phone just now. 210 00:08:11,251 --> 00:08:13,352 If you think of anything, 211 00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:15,354 call us. 212 00:08:15,372 --> 00:08:17,523 Hang on. This chair's been moved. 213 00:08:20,911 --> 00:08:22,695 Read him his rights. 214 00:08:22,713 --> 00:08:24,881 I should tell my husband I'm gonna be late tonight. 215 00:08:24,915 --> 00:08:28,434 No, wait, I can't. He's dead. 216 00:08:30,437 --> 00:08:32,538 Hang on. 217 00:08:32,573 --> 00:08:34,974 The trash was moved. 218 00:08:37,811 --> 00:08:39,428 Hiding something, Mr. Lutz? 219 00:08:39,463 --> 00:08:42,849 Okay. I drank it. We all drank it. 220 00:08:42,883 --> 00:08:45,318 We wanted booze, but we didn't wanna hang out with Pete. 221 00:08:45,352 --> 00:08:46,719 It's the worst! 222 00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:48,254 He always brings out his guitar and sings. 223 00:08:48,288 --> 00:08:50,606 He's got one story, and it's about him 224 00:08:50,657 --> 00:08:52,758 seeing Phil Donahue at a mall. 225 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,778 Now comes the worst part. 226 00:08:55,829 --> 00:08:57,830 The paperwork. 227 00:09:02,135 --> 00:09:03,302 What's wrong, Susan? 228 00:09:03,337 --> 00:09:05,905 Mr. Pfister just took me to the woodshed, 229 00:09:05,939 --> 00:09:08,090 which I didn't even realize could be a metaphor. 230 00:09:08,125 --> 00:09:10,543 I guess I signed off on a script 231 00:09:10,577 --> 00:09:13,946 where an Asian character refers to "Rindsay Rohan" 232 00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:15,932 posing for "Prayboy." 233 00:09:15,966 --> 00:09:18,885 But I know that's very offensive. 234 00:09:18,919 --> 00:09:20,887 Especially because asians are under-represented 235 00:09:20,921 --> 00:09:22,388 - on this network. - Exactly. 236 00:09:22,422 --> 00:09:23,389 If there are more actors of Asian descent... 237 00:09:23,423 --> 00:09:24,857 Shut up! Just shut up, Roy! 238 00:09:24,892 --> 00:09:26,442 - I am talking to Kenneth. - I'm dealing with something! 239 00:09:26,476 --> 00:09:29,228 No one wants to hear from you. 240 00:09:29,262 --> 00:09:30,646 I don't even remember reading that script. 241 00:09:30,697 --> 00:09:33,816 It's... your signature on the memo. 242 00:09:33,867 --> 00:09:35,768 That does look like my "X." 243 00:09:35,786 --> 00:09:37,153 Susan, as a friend, 244 00:09:37,204 --> 00:09:39,989 quit before they fire you. 245 00:09:41,508 --> 00:09:43,709 Your meatballs are good! 246 00:09:43,744 --> 00:09:45,411 Like Ikea good! 247 00:09:45,445 --> 00:09:47,496 Is there parmesan in this? 248 00:09:47,547 --> 00:09:49,749 And Lemon. And a little fennel? 249 00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:51,751 Are you sure you're not Italian, Liz? 250 00:09:51,785 --> 00:09:53,285 Maybe from the North? 251 00:09:53,303 --> 00:09:55,788 That's where the vampires used to live. 252 00:09:55,822 --> 00:09:57,924 What's the matter, Frank? You're so quiet! 253 00:09:57,958 --> 00:10:01,177 You're sitting at dinner next to a beautiful older woman. 254 00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:03,679 Eat something and kiss her! 255 00:10:08,969 --> 00:10:10,853 No! I can't do this. 256 00:10:10,904 --> 00:10:13,873 Ma, Liz isn't the "L" in that letter. 257 00:10:13,907 --> 00:10:17,810 It's... Lynn Onkman. 258 00:10:17,844 --> 00:10:20,546 Elizabeth, I'm gonna ask you to leave. 259 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:22,615 But this is my... 260 00:10:23,917 --> 00:10:26,185 I don't think Bradley's my friend. 261 00:10:26,219 --> 00:10:28,721 I hate to say, "told ya," because it reminds me 262 00:10:28,755 --> 00:10:30,790 of my one-night stand with Nikki finke. 263 00:10:30,824 --> 00:10:32,992 He's trying to get me fired. What do I do? 264 00:10:33,026 --> 00:10:34,694 Pray for a body switch mix-up 265 00:10:34,728 --> 00:10:37,296 so we can see the world from each other's perspectives? 266 00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:39,498 No. You destroy him. 267 00:10:39,516 --> 00:10:40,716 With this. 268 00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:43,052 I did some research. 269 00:10:43,103 --> 00:10:45,705 And unlike what he wrote on his application, 270 00:10:45,739 --> 00:10:48,641 Bradley never graduated from Syracuse. 271 00:10:48,675 --> 00:10:51,344 He's four credits shy of a degree in bro studies. 272 00:10:51,378 --> 00:10:54,213 You slip this transcript under your manager's door, 273 00:10:54,247 --> 00:10:55,381 and he's fired. 274 00:10:55,415 --> 00:10:57,083 No! I can't do that. 275 00:10:57,117 --> 00:10:58,584 It's wrong! 276 00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:00,219 If you don't get him, he gets you. 277 00:11:00,253 --> 00:11:01,587 And that little snake 278 00:11:01,621 --> 00:11:03,072 keeps slithering up the corporate ladder 279 00:11:03,123 --> 00:11:04,557 instead of a good man like yourself. 280 00:11:04,591 --> 00:11:07,259 Kenneth, sometimes you've gotta get your hands dirty 281 00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:09,045 for the good of company... 282 00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:10,696 And country. 283 00:11:10,731 --> 00:11:13,866 My two favorite kinds of music. 284 00:11:16,136 --> 00:11:18,504 Hey, everybody's just sitting around in there 285 00:11:18,538 --> 00:11:20,473 waiting for you two to shoot promos. 286 00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,708 Thank God I've got my awesome Phil Donahue story. 287 00:11:22,743 --> 00:11:25,111 Pete, there's been a development in the whiskey case. 288 00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:26,679 What? No! Forget the whiskey! 289 00:11:26,713 --> 00:11:29,148 Look, all I wanted to do was hang with my friends, 290 00:11:29,182 --> 00:11:30,433 rock some jams, 291 00:11:30,484 --> 00:11:32,618 and tell the story about my cousin seeing Phil Donahue. 292 00:11:32,652 --> 00:11:34,787 I mean me! I-I'm the one who saw him. 293 00:11:34,821 --> 00:11:37,189 We just wanted to tell you... 294 00:11:37,224 --> 00:11:39,558 We don't know what happened to your whiskey. 295 00:11:42,496 --> 00:11:43,946 What was that? 296 00:11:43,997 --> 00:11:46,082 He doesn't need to know how it went down. 297 00:11:46,116 --> 00:11:47,399 It would hurt him too much. 298 00:11:47,417 --> 00:11:49,635 I broke the number one rule of being on the force. 299 00:11:49,669 --> 00:11:50,970 Don't fall in love with your car? 300 00:11:51,004 --> 00:11:53,072 No. I let it get personal. 301 00:11:53,106 --> 00:11:54,290 You're right. 302 00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:55,741 The car thing is stupid. 303 00:11:55,776 --> 00:11:57,843 The thing is, the writers got away with it. 304 00:11:57,878 --> 00:12:00,245 So what are we gonna do about it? 305 00:12:00,263 --> 00:12:02,314 We're goin' rogue. 306 00:12:02,349 --> 00:12:04,283 Hey. 307 00:12:04,317 --> 00:12:05,918 Sorry about last night. 308 00:12:05,936 --> 00:12:07,103 Yeah. I had to sleep here. 309 00:12:07,137 --> 00:12:08,521 You know, they turned the heat off. 310 00:12:08,555 --> 00:12:10,523 If I hadn't found that other blanket, I'd... 311 00:12:10,557 --> 00:12:12,274 Wait, where'd it go? 312 00:12:12,309 --> 00:12:14,026 Oh, God. It was mice! 313 00:12:14,061 --> 00:12:16,695 The blanket was mice! 314 00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:18,948 So... what happened with Sylvia? 315 00:12:18,982 --> 00:12:20,116 You were right, Liz. 316 00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:21,867 Lying to my mom was stressing me out. 317 00:12:21,902 --> 00:12:24,070 I mean, I haven't gained weight in months. 318 00:12:24,104 --> 00:12:25,204 It wasn't worth it. 319 00:12:25,238 --> 00:12:27,006 So what, you broke up with Lynn? 320 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,958 - Just promise me... - Here. 321 00:12:28,992 --> 00:12:31,443 That you'll take care of yourself. 322 00:12:31,461 --> 00:12:33,496 Don't let Liz work you too hard. 323 00:12:33,547 --> 00:12:35,447 I do really hate her. 324 00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:37,216 I think she's a terrible person. 325 00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:39,168 First of all, why were you in my bedroom, 326 00:12:39,219 --> 00:12:41,504 and why would you tell me that part of the conversation? 327 00:12:41,555 --> 00:12:43,622 It's the only part where we weren't having break-up sex. 328 00:12:43,657 --> 00:12:45,691 - Come on! - Look, I'm sorry. 329 00:12:45,725 --> 00:12:48,494 And I appreciate everything you did, so... 330 00:12:48,528 --> 00:12:49,812 I made you some meatballs. 331 00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:51,197 It's my mom's recipe. 332 00:12:51,231 --> 00:12:53,032 - So you're sure you're okay? - Yeah. 333 00:12:53,066 --> 00:12:54,967 Definitely. With all this behind me, 334 00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:57,353 I'm... happy. Thanks. 335 00:12:57,404 --> 00:12:58,687 Eat them now! 336 00:12:58,738 --> 00:13:00,840 Quiet. I do the talking. 337 00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:06,529 Henry. 338 00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:07,980 Henry Warren? 339 00:13:07,998 --> 00:13:09,665 Henry Warren-Chang. 340 00:13:09,699 --> 00:13:12,585 I married a very bossy Chinese lady. 341 00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:14,753 What on earth are you doing here? 342 00:13:14,788 --> 00:13:16,872 - Please, sit down. - Thank you. 343 00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:20,325 I haven't seen you since the 1985 G.E. talent show 344 00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:22,378 when I convinced you to sing Monster mash, 345 00:13:22,429 --> 00:13:23,829 knowing full well that Jack Welch 346 00:13:23,847 --> 00:13:25,881 is terrified of monsters, and I ended your career. 347 00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:27,433 Not "ended." 348 00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:29,051 Doing quite well, actually. 349 00:13:29,102 --> 00:13:32,054 In publishing now. Encyclopedias. 350 00:13:32,105 --> 00:13:34,340 I wanted to stop by because a young man 351 00:13:34,374 --> 00:13:37,776 named Kenneth parcell came to my office this afternoon. 352 00:13:37,811 --> 00:13:39,778 He did? What did he want? 353 00:13:39,813 --> 00:13:41,814 He wanted to find out if my life turned out okay 354 00:13:41,848 --> 00:13:43,382 after you took me down. 355 00:13:43,416 --> 00:13:45,350 Because he's afraid he might have to do the same thing 356 00:13:45,368 --> 00:13:46,619 to someone else. 357 00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:48,954 - And what did you tell him? - I told him the truth. 358 00:13:48,989 --> 00:13:50,289 I'm great. 359 00:13:50,323 --> 00:13:52,458 I lease a certified pre-owned lexus, 360 00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:54,059 both my sons are magicians, 361 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:55,427 and for my birthday, 362 00:13:55,462 --> 00:13:57,796 wei-lin got me tickets to the Broadway show Memphis. 363 00:13:57,831 --> 00:14:00,699 So...... 364 00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:03,135 And I see that you've done very well for yourself. 365 00:14:03,170 --> 00:14:06,639 Well, that sofa is made from sea biscuit. 366 00:14:09,276 --> 00:14:11,760 Well... We're both very impressive. 367 00:14:11,811 --> 00:14:13,562 But at what cost, Jack? 368 00:14:13,597 --> 00:14:15,514 The first couple months that we worked together, 369 00:14:15,548 --> 00:14:16,765 we were good friends, 370 00:14:16,816 --> 00:14:18,651 and then we turned against each other and... 371 00:14:18,685 --> 00:14:20,402 Come on, Henry. We were never friends. 372 00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:23,405 We were pretending so we could learn each other's weaknesses 373 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,157 and then... Exploit them. 374 00:14:25,192 --> 00:14:26,725 But what about all the dinners? 375 00:14:26,743 --> 00:14:28,911 I mean, we talked for hours. 376 00:14:28,945 --> 00:14:31,263 - I was gathering information. - All right. 377 00:14:31,298 --> 00:14:32,915 What about the drive up to pittsfield 378 00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:34,300 when we stopped at sturbridge village? 379 00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:35,668 Remember? We had fun. 380 00:14:35,702 --> 00:14:37,419 We saw a candle being made. 381 00:14:37,454 --> 00:14:40,406 I didn't really care about that candle, Henry. 382 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,141 I don't even remember what color it was. 383 00:14:42,175 --> 00:14:45,628 Regular white-tan candle color, Jack! 384 00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:47,346 You know what? 385 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:49,348 I really feel sorry for Kenneth parcell, 386 00:14:49,382 --> 00:14:50,983 because you're gonna beat all that's good out of him 387 00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:54,253 and turn him into another paranoid corporate killer. 388 00:14:56,356 --> 00:14:58,123 I remember our trip to Hilton head. 389 00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:01,026 That wasn't me! 390 00:15:03,743 --> 00:15:06,543 Take a sit 'cause no one is going anywhere! 391 00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:11,517 We know you all drank Pete's scotch... 392 00:15:11,568 --> 00:15:12,985 So here's how we're gonna play it. 393 00:15:13,019 --> 00:15:15,688 You're gonna hang out with Pete every night this week. 394 00:15:15,739 --> 00:15:17,156 Why would we do that? 395 00:15:17,190 --> 00:15:19,024 'Cause we have you dead to rights, you black bastard! 396 00:15:19,075 --> 00:15:20,075 And if you don't play along, 397 00:15:20,110 --> 00:15:21,577 we tell Pete about your little scam... 398 00:15:21,611 --> 00:15:23,913 How the show's been paying for your video games 399 00:15:23,947 --> 00:15:25,831 and nerf rifles and pornography. 400 00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,316 That's right! 401 00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:29,652 We know you ordered a porn version of Temple Grandin 402 00:15:29,686 --> 00:15:32,154 entitled ten poles rammed in. 403 00:15:32,172 --> 00:15:34,356 You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 404 00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:35,991 Let's get outta here, Maroney. 405 00:15:36,009 --> 00:15:39,128 The sight of these people plus the crayons I ate earlier 406 00:15:39,162 --> 00:15:42,264 make me sick. 407 00:15:44,434 --> 00:15:47,386 Sing us a song, you're the guitar man 408 00:15:47,437 --> 00:15:50,005 and this is Pete's birthday night 409 00:15:50,023 --> 00:15:52,057 Any mysteries that need solving, Liz? 410 00:15:52,108 --> 00:15:53,876 - Actually, yes. - What happened? 411 00:15:53,910 --> 00:15:55,694 Who attacked you and gave you that haircut? 412 00:15:55,729 --> 00:15:58,614 No, it's these meatballs. They don't taste right. 413 00:15:58,648 --> 00:16:00,115 There's an extra ingredient. 414 00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:02,401 It's something familiar. 415 00:16:04,955 --> 00:16:08,324 P.S. I love you is so sad. 416 00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,759 No one should have to be married 417 00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:12,127 to Gerard Butler. 418 00:16:12,162 --> 00:16:16,065 Or hilary swank! 419 00:16:18,969 --> 00:16:21,170 It's tears! 420 00:16:21,204 --> 00:16:22,972 Frank was crying when he made these. 421 00:16:23,006 --> 00:16:25,424 He lied! He's miserable. 422 00:16:25,475 --> 00:16:28,477 But I don't understand. He seemed so happy earlier. 423 00:16:28,511 --> 00:16:29,562 Forget it, Tracy. 424 00:16:29,596 --> 00:16:31,981 It's midtown. 425 00:16:37,821 --> 00:16:39,221 Kenneth, don't do it. 426 00:16:39,239 --> 00:16:43,108 You can't destroy Bradley, you... innocent goon. 427 00:16:43,143 --> 00:16:45,427 You're the most remarkable person I know, 428 00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:46,896 and I've met jaleel White. 429 00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,497 Incredibly charismatic. 430 00:16:48,531 --> 00:16:50,599 He makes Stefan urquelle look like Steve urkel. 431 00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:53,102 - But my career. - Forget about your career. 432 00:16:53,136 --> 00:16:55,371 I'd rather see you get fired and lease a car 433 00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,973 than watch you turn into someone like me. 434 00:16:58,008 --> 00:16:59,408 Now, give me that transcript. 435 00:16:59,442 --> 00:17:01,577 So you're trying to help me. 436 00:17:01,611 --> 00:17:03,746 Of course I am, Kenneth. I'm your friend. 437 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,515 It's just... the other day you said in business 438 00:17:06,549 --> 00:17:08,217 I have no friends, 439 00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:10,319 and you were right about Bradley, 440 00:17:10,353 --> 00:17:12,354 so what does that say about you? 441 00:17:12,389 --> 00:17:15,291 Maybe you're afraid I will become you. 442 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,726 I'll climb that corporate ladder 443 00:17:17,761 --> 00:17:19,895 until I eventually take your job. 444 00:17:19,930 --> 00:17:21,497 And then where will you be? 445 00:17:21,531 --> 00:17:22,998 Out on your ass 446 00:17:23,033 --> 00:17:25,234 like stone Mountain's mailman 447 00:17:25,268 --> 00:17:27,769 riding his trusty donkey erasmus. 448 00:17:27,787 --> 00:17:31,440 That is some high-level paranoid thinking. 449 00:17:31,474 --> 00:17:34,677 Like Hitler... Or Willy wonka. 450 00:17:34,711 --> 00:17:36,795 If you're thinking that way, 451 00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:40,983 then I'm... already too late. 452 00:17:57,317 --> 00:17:59,001 Why are you keeping me late to write the cold open? 453 00:17:59,035 --> 00:18:01,737 - Well, you know politics. - I don't know anything. 454 00:18:01,771 --> 00:18:04,239 I get all my news from the radio in Grand Theft Auto. 455 00:18:04,274 --> 00:18:05,691 Frankie! Are you okay? 456 00:18:05,742 --> 00:18:07,976 La Donna di scoregge called and said you were sick, 457 00:18:07,994 --> 00:18:09,545 so I came by to make you chicken soup. 458 00:18:09,579 --> 00:18:12,031 - Where can I kill this? - Wait... Liz called you? 459 00:18:12,082 --> 00:18:14,416 - No. She called me. - You! 460 00:18:14,451 --> 00:18:17,703 How dare you? Get out of my Liz's office. 461 00:18:17,754 --> 00:18:19,521 You said Frank wanted to get back together. 462 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,991 Why would you tell her that? I said I was happy. 463 00:18:22,025 --> 00:18:24,659 You lied... you're miserable. You cried in my food! 464 00:18:24,678 --> 00:18:27,496 Sylvia, your son is not sick. 465 00:18:27,530 --> 00:18:29,465 And Lynn, Frank didn't actually say 466 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,933 that he wanted to get back together. 467 00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:33,669 So I wore my sexy underwear for nothing? 468 00:18:33,703 --> 00:18:34,870 I'll kill you! 469 00:18:34,904 --> 00:18:37,439 Ma'am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. 470 00:18:37,474 --> 00:18:40,142 You kill me, Los Tiberones will green-light a 1-8-7 on you, 471 00:18:40,176 --> 00:18:41,343 and you don't want that kind of heat. 472 00:18:41,378 --> 00:18:43,062 Sylvia, your son is not happy. 473 00:18:43,113 --> 00:18:44,913 And not that you care, but neither is Lynn. 474 00:18:44,948 --> 00:18:46,398 That's true. When Liz called me, 475 00:18:46,449 --> 00:18:48,517 I was getting this tattoo. 476 00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:50,586 I'm not creative. 477 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:52,388 And believe me, I get it. This shouldn't work. 478 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,289 I mean, how they met is disgusting. 479 00:18:54,324 --> 00:18:56,091 Their age difference is just weird. 480 00:18:56,126 --> 00:18:58,027 They shouldn't go together. 481 00:18:58,061 --> 00:18:59,428 But you know what else shouldn't go together? 482 00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:04,199 Veal, fennel, lemon, cheese, and pork. 483 00:19:04,217 --> 00:19:06,568 That's right. Your meatballs. 484 00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,604 Lynn and Frank... 485 00:19:08,638 --> 00:19:13,375 Are just as good as your meatballs. 486 00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:16,061 That's it? We're meatballs? 487 00:19:16,096 --> 00:19:17,813 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 488 00:19:17,847 --> 00:19:19,581 Do you have any idea 489 00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:21,550 what I've been through for love? 490 00:19:21,584 --> 00:19:23,318 Public humiliation. 491 00:19:23,353 --> 00:19:26,955 Johnny Carson in his monologue said I was looking at 20 years, 492 00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:29,825 but I'd probably be more attracted to 12. 493 00:19:29,859 --> 00:19:32,444 I mean, that's an okay joke, but it hurt. 494 00:19:32,495 --> 00:19:35,114 And then prison, where we only had one movie 495 00:19:35,165 --> 00:19:38,000 with dabney Coleman and the kid from E. T.? 496 00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:39,968 - Cloak and Dagger? - Shut up, Liz. 497 00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:42,454 I lost my house, my life, 498 00:19:42,505 --> 00:19:44,506 but it has all been worth it. 499 00:19:44,541 --> 00:19:47,342 I mean, even if I never see Frank again, it was worth it. 500 00:19:47,377 --> 00:19:50,646 And you call us meatballs! 501 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:51,947 Elizabeth, 502 00:19:51,981 --> 00:19:55,017 I'm gonna ask you to leave. 503 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,854 Okay, but if you look at my Internet history, 504 00:19:58,888 --> 00:20:02,791 I'm researching a movie about two male centaurs kissing. 505 00:20:04,310 --> 00:20:06,812 I was wrong. 506 00:20:06,863 --> 00:20:09,164 This isn't creepy because you're dating your teacher. 507 00:20:09,199 --> 00:20:11,200 This is creepy because you're dating your mother. 508 00:20:11,234 --> 00:20:13,102 You found someone just like me 509 00:20:13,136 --> 00:20:15,838 because I'm the woman you really wanna be with! 510 00:20:15,872 --> 00:20:17,473 'Cause you're the best! 511 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:20,476 Frankie, you're the best. 512 00:20:22,962 --> 00:20:25,514 My big family. 513 00:20:25,548 --> 00:20:29,784 And Phil Donahue's walking past cinnabon 514 00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:33,121 and he's making eye contact with me 515 00:20:33,139 --> 00:20:36,592 I can tell by his smile that he'll stay for a while 516 00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,194 and say, "Pete, you're who I wanna be" 517 00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:41,671 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 518 00:20:41,702 --> 00:20:43,136 Well, maybe I never did go to college 519 00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:44,737 or travel around the world. 520 00:20:44,772 --> 00:20:46,339 So I don't know much about worldly things 521 00:20:46,373 --> 00:20:49,375 like taco meat and having all your fingers. 522 00:20:50,023 --> 00:20:52,190 Lord knows some of my friends are just shrubs 523 00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:54,860 I put hats on and get high with. 524 00:20:54,894 --> 00:20:57,896 My wife had two of the president's babies, 525 00:20:57,930 --> 00:20:59,398 and you're one of 'em. 526 00:20:59,432 --> 00:21:01,133 I can tell you one thing... 527 00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:03,702 I'm gonna kill all y'all in y'all sleep. 528 00:21:03,736 --> 00:21:07,072 Now, I don't know nothing about no literature or history, 529 00:21:07,106 --> 00:21:09,057 but I'll tell you what I do know. 530 00:21:09,092 --> 00:21:11,977 This movie was written by white nerds. 531 00:21:12,011 --> 00:21:13,011 Cut!